Wedding Etiquette….Do’s and Don’ts

Rules for Inviting Cousins

Though most etiquette advisors will say that inviting one of your first cousins means you should invite them all, this rule does not mean you must treat both sides of the aisle the same. Elizabeth Howell of the Emily Post institute confirms: It’s best to treat each family according to the closeness (and the reality) of that family’s ties. Your family won’t be as aware of the family-tree breakdown on his side; but should they discover that his first cousins were included while yours were not, there’s a simple reply: “His family is much closer than ours is.

You Don’t Want Children at the Wedding

Let your invitation do the talking, says Anna Post, author of “Emily Post’s Wedding Parties” (Collins; 2007). Let’s say you’ve chosen not to include kids younger than 5, and your friends have an 11-year-old and a 4-year-old. You’d write the friends’ names and the older child’s name on the inner envelope, indicating that the youngest isn’t invited. If you’re worried guests won’t get the message, call beforehand. Says Post, “You can say, ‘We just sent the invitations and we’re excited to have you join us, but we’ve decided not to include young children. I wanted to give you advance notice so you have time to find a sitter. I hope you can make it!’ ” Don’t grant any exceptions; that would be rude to guests who’ve abided by your wishes.

Do You Have to Invite Them if They Invited You

Etiquette’s rule of reciprocal entertaining is pretty strong. If your friends’ wedding was recent, and you are still close — and if your wedding is on a similar scale as theirs, or is larger — they should already be on your guest list. But if your friendship has faded some since their nuptials, or if your wedding is of a smaller size, it is completely appropriate to leave them off your guest list. Exercise some caution if you have mutual friends who are invited; alert those people to the restriction in your guest list, so that they won’t gush on and on about your wedding in front of those not invited, and create an awkward moment for everyone.

You’re Having a Cocktail Only Reception

Regardless of how formally you are constructing your invitations, adding the word “cocktail” before “reception” is the most straightforward way to let your guests know that dinner will not be served. Traditional wording might read something like: “A cocktail reception will follow the ceremony” or, more casually, “and afterward for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres.” The start time for your reception will also help clue in guests. “Set the event during cocktail hours — that can be 4 to 6 p.m. or 5 to 7 p.m. — and anticipate that it’s going to be a shorter reception than usual,”  says Mac Adam. Whatever time you choose, wrap things up, including the cake cutting, no later than 8 p.m. so people will still have time for dinner.

Assigning Seats and Tables

Open seating may seem as if it would be fun and spontaneous, but guests shouldn’t have to feel like they’re the new kid in the school cafeteria. You don’t want them to be stranded, without somewhere welcoming to sit, or rushed into claiming territory. That said, you needn’t micromanage — only the most formal receptions require place cards at each setting, says Joyce Westin Dunne, a Chicago wedding planner. Assigning only tables and letting guests choose their chairs is perfectly acceptable. Should you decide to forgo table assignments, remember that your guests will take longer to seat themselves. And you’ll need to account for more settings than number of guests, since it’s inevitable that there will be incomplete tables (for example, six guests seated at a table of eight).